Tuesday, June 26, 2012

7 Reasons Why the Villains Always lose in Old Children's Shows (Despite the Heroes Being Dumb)

Yesterday I stated how the good guys in old TV shows are able to make the most retarded decisions ever and put themselves (and more important, innocent bystanders) in unnecessary danger by making really bad calls. So, if they are so stupid, how they can defeat the bad guys over and over again? First, they have a lot of dumb luck. Second, the villains is like said luck. Dumb.
7. They Have No Standards when Hiring Henchmen

Let's suppose you decided to go full evil. You will need henchmen to do all the evilness you are too busy to do yourself. So, what are the criteria you need to use to hire them? Reliable? Intelligent? Fast thinking? No, that is completely unnecessary. All your henchmen need to be is evil.

See, the villains seem to hire people who only need to want to be evil than actually being good to do evil. It is very common to the villains to have henchmen who are so stupid that they would need to be under strictly supervision and far from any sharp things than being tasked with getting rid of the good guys or protecting the super weapons.

Apparently, the henchmen market is filled with people who are too incompetent to work at Burger King flipping burgers, and since villains runs on a very tight budget, they seem to get whatever they can to do the job, no matter how poorly they do said job.

That is not counting the family members. Apparently, family is very important to villains, because they keep around their relatives, no matter how many times they screw over. In fact, the villain-boss is very forgiving, considering that they never, ever fire a henchmen, despite their continuous failures.

6. They Don't Have Their Priorities Straight

So, what is the villain's main objective? Conquer the world? Get rid of the heroes? Wins lots of riches? Well, that would be all good, but apparently the villains have no idea what they wand, and better yet, how they will get that. They will try to conquer the world one week, than next week a get-rich scheme and next week after they will try a convoluted plan to get rid of the heroes, just to get back to world conquering next.

See, focus is very important, as is priorities. If the villains where smart, they would always make their priority to get rid of the pesky good guys first. But no, they need to try to conquer the world by changing the oil reserves in marshmallow. Or they really want to steel that beauty Egyptian exposition. Or doing all that at the same time while trying to put a mummy to kill the heroes.

'Fuck the Police'

If they concentrated in one task at a time, they would have a way better chance to succeed. Also, all their resources would be concentrated in one task, instead of spread thin trying to do too much things at once. But who am I kidding? Considering your entire workforce is composed of special needs people, no task can be easy.

5. Their Right-Hand Have a Dagger Pointed to Your Back

Since hiring good henchmen is hard, because they are all brain-damaged, at least your right-hand must be a dedicated, reliable and smart dude, right? Well, it seems that they also are treacherous and always looking for ways to get in the place of the big evil boss.

Apparently, no matter how powerful the villains are, they really don't know how to do a job screening and remove of the hire pool the guys who will betray them every two episodes. maybe because they are surrounded for such incompetence, finding someone who can tie their shoe laces seems like a gift.

It would be not that bad if the villain got rid of the Judas in the first betrayal, But no, they keep the guy no matter how many times they show that they cannot be relied upon. Again, villains seem less like bad guys and more like a charity entity, always trying to correct peoples bad ways. Maybe is the puppy eyes the traitor make when imploring forgiveness.

'Aww, I can't get angry at you...' 
So, not only the villainous boss have to keep track of its henchmen incompetence, the heroes and the evil plot, he also have to keep an eye open for daggers in the dark. That is why he is sop angry all the time and do...

4. Pointless Acts of Evilness

So, the secret base under the mountain is producing the giant robot army that will conquer the world. The henchmen haven't blow up anything, the right-hand is not in the mood for betrayal and no signs of the heroes nearby. All you need is be prepared to act. Oh, look at that forest. It is bothering you, you evil big guy. So, of course you order to your henchmen to get rid of the forest. Which of course draw attention of the good guys (we all know hoe much hippie they are) and now they discovered your secret base! And all your plans goes under.

The thing is, why bother? If your plan is working, don't do anything that is not utterly related to the plan. Don't kidnap some lousy kids, don't go blowing up stuff or hurting elderly people because it is funny seem them screaming with a broken hip. All you do with that is attracting unwanted attention to your plan, who would go smoothly if you didn't feel like applying your rage in random stuff.

'Fast, get me that candy!' 

It must be because they have a lot of steam to vent, having to deal with failure in a weekly base, but it is better do that with something more constructive, like hitting sand bags, playing videogames or something like that. No they have to kick puppies in the street. But I may be too hard on them, because...

3. Villains don't Learn of their Mistakes

The villain captured the heroes. Total victory is near. But them the cute mascot steal the cell keys, get the heroes free and they foil the bad guys plan. Again. It is acceptable when for the very first time the cute mascot steal the keys and release the heroes, but it is unacceptable that they do it once a month and the villains still insist in not killing the damn critter right away.

Making a mistake for the first time is an important lesson, but not learning from it just show how the villains are more crazy than genius. If the heroes are successful for the 10th time because the villain's henchmen keep blabbing about the evil secret plans to them, rip their voice cords off. that will show them to stop giving away the master weapon weakness.

'Damn! How this damn unicorn saved those kids again!' 
2. The Villains Get Side Tracked Easily

The villains master plan is working greatly. Then the evil boss see that beautiful princess and decide he must have her. she may have some damn good boobies or lovely ass, and the boss villain want a piece of that. So, instead of worrying about the plan, he uses important resources and time to make the princess his wife. And that is when the heroes start meddling.

Or worse, the damn princess decide to medley herself, sabotaging the otherwise perfect plan. All because the evil boss cannot think with the upper head. Maybe his henchmen and even the treacherous right-hand warned the boss to let her go, but he couldn't.

'I've came here to still your mines, but now I in love with a comatose girl!'   
It is not just love who distract the villains. it may be a piece of treasure they heard off, deciding to go after it instead of completing the evil machine or the invading tunnel. Or some competition is happening nearby and they decided to participate because they wish to prove evil can win too. Either way, this just prove that the villains either lack focus or are not that much into evil. If they were, they would just...

1. Kill the Good Guys on Sight

Let's look at the Power Rangers' first series. Why the evil space witch never bothered to straight up kill the Power Rangers? See, she knew their identities all along, the only people who couldn't know off was the Rangers family and friends (which make you wonder if Zordon secretly wasn't planning their dismiss all along). The only point of secret identities would be to protect the Rangers civilian life of any attempt of the villains to use it against them.

But again, they knew their identities from the beginning. they could just have created a sniper monster, or even trained one of the henchmen to use a sniper rifle, and just blow up their heads when they were at school laughing at the comic relief characters. They would never saw it coming and would be too scared to go outside because they now know they can be killed at any moment.

Not only that, instead of capturing the good guys, why not just beheading them, instead of creating a complex trap who will kill them after a long time, time enough to some henchmen screw up or the cute mascot to save them?

'Shooting them in the head? What kind of monster you think I am?'  
The more you think about it, the less villainous the bad guys seem. In fact, i am almost convinced that they just like the attention and all the bad stuff they say they want to do is just an excuse to people talk to them.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please leave a comment.