Monday, June 25, 2012

7 Stupid (and Dangerous) Decisions Made by Heroes of 80s and 90s Children TV Shows

80s cartoons have two weird things about them: the fact that they tried at the same time to be realistic and still be rate E for Everyone; and letting the heroes make some of the weirdest and stupidest calls ever made. This bad decisions not only make the heroes' job harder than should, it potentially put the lives they are trying to protect in danger. Decisions like...

7. Letting the Bad Guys Free

In SilverHawks, an attempt to replicate the success of ThunderCats, the titular characters are a special police force made out of cyborgs and themed with a birds of prey's motif. They are the law enforcement in the Limbo Galaxy, a conjunction of space stations and a few planets and home of several species. Their main mission is to arrest Mon*star and his gang. The question is why they don't do it?

See, Mon*star hideout is not some kind of secret base. it is a goddamned planet. And it is not like the planet is hard to go to. The SilverHawks go there a lot. And it is not like Mon*Star is like Doctor Doom and have diplomatic immunity because he is the planet chief of state. He is in fact an escaped criminal and the SilverHawks have galactic jurisdiction in Limbo. They could go arrest him whatever they really want to.

'We just polished ourselves.'
The same goes for He-Man and Skeletor. The King of Eternia is the king of the whole planet. And Skeletor is the king of nowhere. And his hideout is not secret either. why the king and He-man don't go there and arrest him is a mystery. Maybe they use Skeletor as a scape goat for Eternia's problems that the King don't want his subjects blame on him. And the SilverHawks just don't want to see their payrolls cut because they just become traffic space cops.

6. Trusting in the Bad Guys

Again a typical plot of many 80s cartoon. The bad guy's henchmen goes to the good guys saying they are tired of being bad and want to change to the side of good. The good guys, not being completely morons, arrest the bad guy, judge him fairly for his crimes and after he do his time then they give him a chance to see if he really changed.

Ha, who we are fooling here?

They totally believe in the henchman in case and invite him to be part of the group, going so far as to let him know every secret they may have and giving him full access to the good guys base and weaponry. And when the henchman reveal that it was a trick all along, the good guys are shocked!

How would someone doubt someone like her? It is not like she have Evil in the name!
The easiness with how the good guys can trust someone who they know was a really bad guy in the past is shocking. If it was someone who they met the first time, then I would understand trusting them. But it is people they have met before and that have lied to the good guys before. Speaking of which...

5. Not Having a B-plan in case the Bad Guys Don't Honor their Side of a Deal

So, somehow, the good guys have something the bad guys want and the bad guys have something the good guys want. They make a deal about exchanging whatever they have. Usually it involves the release of prisoners. Everything is going okay, until the bad guys, as they are prone to do, being evil and all, betray the good guys. Shocked, the good guys now have to improvise a way to avoid the bad guys winning this round.

'I lied!'
What is more surprising about it is that the good guys don't even have a plan in the case the bad guys betray them. They are so surprised that they have to come up with a plan on the spot. And them you have the smart guy who will scream how he knew they shouldn't trust the villains, but also didn't have any kind of emergency plan just in case. You start wondering what kind of qualification the good guys have.

4. The Heroes Don't Have Any Qualification to be The Heroes

When Zordon discovered that an evil moon witch was free and wanting to annoy the daily lives of one fictional town in the US,  he knew he needed some highly qualified team of good guys to stop her. Instead, he got lazy and just decide to transport the nearest group of team friends with some knowledge of martial arts to be the first Power Rangers. It does not help that only two of them show to have any real martial skills, the other being a hip-hop dancer who dress up as the Fresh prince of Bel-air, one is a nerd who barely know how to throw a fist and the last one being a cheerleader who is 4-feet tall.

See, he could have choose anyone from anywhere. maybe a soldier with real combat experience, some police officers or Bruce Willis. Instead, he just got a group of people who already are friends and for some coincidence already dress up in the colors of the suits.

'I would call some Marines, but we don't have camouflaged suits.'
Instead, he decided that the best way to deal with aliens with magical powers is calling the help of completely untrained teenagers and hopes for the best. Which only happens because the villains are even more stupid than the heroes.

3. Nobody Have Ever Heard of Backups

The Good Guys' brilliant scientist just developed either a brand new superweapon who will get rid of the villains once and for all or a brand new tech who will revolutionize the world by making the lives of everyone better. He/she even developed a prototype. That of course, the villains will steal in the next shot. The good guys then need to recover the invention before the villains use them for good. There us a chance they will kidnap the scientist too and the good guys need to rescue her/him. Eventually, the good guys will be forced to destroy the brand new invention to avoid the bad guys to use them for evil. And without the prototype, of course, the invention is lost forever. The End.

Because the Heroes are retarded as shit.

See, who the hell make brand new inventions without keeping data? Things like the blue prints of the damned thing, a list of the materials and components of them. Apple will not forget how to do an iPhone if all iPhones decide to destroy themselves in disgust. They will just get the blue prints out of the drawer (or more likely, from the computer they are stored) and make some new ones. Even if the R&D building gets on fire, they will probably have all those precious data stored in somewhere far from there. Damn, most guys on R&D probably have backup of their data in their MacBooks.

Also, even if all those get lost because of reasons, the scientists (who never die in cartoons unless they are utter evil) are still alive. And even if their research is completely destroyed, they will not have to start from scratch. They already make it once, and making again will be way easier the second time around because they now know what works and what not. But since even the most brilliant scientist in cartoons is stricken with retarditis, so...

'What do you mean 'USB Pen Drive'?'
2. Trying to Save the Mind Controlled/Traitor 'Friend' by Letting He/She Free

That one guy who is friends with the good guys decide that Evil pay better. Or it was brainwashed/ hipnotized/charmed/stupedified. Either way, now he is a treat against the good guys and is always making things harder than should be. The good guys, being good guys and all, decide to save him from the mind control/change him back to the side of good, all while doing their best to not hurt the former friend. And making everything unnecessarily more difficulty to everyone.

See, the fact that the former friend is being mind controlled does not mean a free pass to do evil. The good guys need to arrest him and lock him up until they find a way to cure him. They don't have to let the former friend go because they have no clue how to cure him. That way, not only the former friend is in a safe place, he also cannot make evil stuff that surely will hunt him the rest of his life once he is free and realize all he was forced to do.

'Calm down Timmy. It was not your fault burning that kittens' orphanage. It was our fault for not locking you up when we had the chance. Our bad.'
It is even worse if the guy willingly decided to betray the Heroes. This guy have no excuse at all, so he deserve being jailed for any crime he made. letting him roam free until you convince him through the power of long winded speeches is not an option. specially when your former friend is burning orphanages with kittens inside. And since we are in the topic of kittens...

1. Letting the Kids/Pets Come With You in the Dangerous Mission Against Evil

So, you have received a new mission that involves lots of explosions, car chases and life threatening situations. But you have a small, cute pet or a small, annoying relative, usually sibling/cousin/son/daughter. As any good relative/pet owner, you think of your pet/small children well being first and decide that the helpless creature should go with you and be put in the direct line of danger! Because fuck you that is why!

The pet/kid will eventually put itself in dangerous situation, that the irresponsible adults who let them come will need to solve, all while letting the bad guys escape or be successful in at least one step of their evil plan. And instead of sending the pet/kid home, you will talk with him a little and still let them come with you.

It is not like the heroes don't have a place or someone to let the damn pest with while they have crime to fight. It seems that they are eager to get rid of the kid/pet, but want to put the blame in the villains hands. And even if they said to the pet/kid to stay behind in a safe place and they sneak in the car, it is not excuse. After the second time I discover the pet/kid snicked in the trunk, I would always double check it before going.

And no, saying how 'useful' they can be or how they totally saved your ass the last time they came with you don't stick. For each one of those, they have put themselves in dangerous ten other times.

'But I saved your life!' 'When you were at the edge of that window or being held hostage? Also... Shut up!'

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please leave a comment.