SyFy become specialized in one thing. Spending very little money in making TV movies about monsters. And they aren't very selective. Anything can be a monster, as log as you either make then gigantic and/or mix two different scary creatures. They took two animals who made a certain success as 'villains' in movies about animals killing people, make a fusion of them, and get them to kill people. or put them against other creature never intended by the gods. Using cheap visual effects, actors who either are amateurs, girls who look good in bikinis or actors that are in the end of their careers, they made movies who aren't scary at all, but hell, their movies can be a hell of a fun to watch, as long as you watch them not as horror movies, but as parodies of horror movies.
So, I imagined, damn, I can write the next SyFy 'great' monster movie. Therefore I present you with this future classic of cinema. I present you with....
Sharksnake VS Piranhagator
Helicopter pass flying around generic big city. Lands near military base who look likes an abandoned factory. An old man dressed as a high ranking officer and two soldiers are received by Gary Busey playing as a scientist. After reception, they go to dark laboratory with great water tank.
Busey: I have done it, colonel. I created the perfect predator! I successfully mixed the DNA of two of the deadliest creatures in the world, the alligators and the piranhas.
Colonel: What? We hired you to improve military rations, not to create freaks of nature!
Busey: Nonono, look, it can devour a whole cow! Even the bones! (badly CGI cow is lowered in the tank, lots of turmoil in the water, the chain rises without cow). It is the perfect assassin!
Colonel: You idiot! What can e do with this... this... piranhagator?! We aren't in the Middle Ages anymore!
Colonel: No buts! Kill those things already and make rations who don't taste like wet foam!
Colonel leaves, Busey start trashing the laboratory and stop looking at the tank. Then he smile and press a big red button near the tank. We hear a roar sound and the tank is emptied. No signs of the creature. Busey laugh like Gary Busey.
Three friends are loading the car to go to the lake. One token black guy, one token latino/asian guy and the white hero who is supposed to be a nerd but is really muscular. A way better car than theirs stop at the neighbor's house. It have three douchebags in sports jackets and several good looking girls. The hot neighbor girl jumps in the douche's car. The white hero look at her, wishing she was with them. The douches drives near him and toss a beer can at him.
White Hero: Damn it! look where your toss your garbage!
Douche 1: I think I looked!(laughs) It is better you losers aren't going to the lake, because we don't want losers near us! (every douche laugh, except the two nice girls who ask them to leave the losers alone)
Douches go away.
White Hero: I hope you got eaten by sharks!
Black Token: Dude, there is no shark in lakes.
White Hero: Piranhas, alligators, whatever can eat you in the lake!
Asian Token: They can't hear you.
White Hero: I know.
The museum received a big box. A really big one. Hot female scientist and old scientist who is not Busey are excited to open it. It is dripping water.
Hot Scientist: Who could tell the global warming would reveal this!
Old Scientist: It was frozen for millions of years. A creature forgotten by time. A missing link from the past.
Hot Scientist: Let's open it!
They open the big box. Inside there is a creature with the head and fins of a shark, but the long body of a constrictor snake, ending in a shark tail. It have visible poisonous snake fangs in the mouth.
Old Scientist: The link between sharks and anacondas. And it is enormous. I cannot wait to dissect it when the ice melts away.
Hot Scientist: Me neither! Hey, let's go home. I will cook something for us.
Old Scientist: It is not better we lock this thing?
Hot Scientist: Nah, nobody would steal this. And besides, it is dead for millions of years. What would do? Runaway and eat someone?
(both laugh and go away. The sharksnake eyes movies around after they turn the lights off). At night, a security guard check the empty room, but no signs of the sharksnake. He follows the wet path but stop at a wall. As he turns around, the sharksnake attacks. Black screen.
At the lake. The douches and hot girls in bikinis are partying hard while the white hero and friends watch from the other side of the lake. Nice girls think of asking them to join, but douches don't allow it. Douche guy and hot busty girl goes swimming away of the party. They start making out.
Douche 2: Wow, you are so, so hot!
Hot Girl 1: Come on, show me your moves! (making out more) Ow, no biting!
Douche 2: I didn't bite you.
Hot Girl 1: Something bit me...
Douche 2: AAAHH! Something bite me too! Let's get out of the water!
Both swim to the margin. The girl is on her feet, but the douche screams for help.
Douche 2: Gahhh! It is eating me! Help me!
Hot girl holds his hands, pushing, lots of fake blood, water in turmoil, screaming from both sides. Girl fall in her back, with the amputated hands of douche. She screams and run to the camp, but the piranhagator jumps out of the water and start eating her. It have the body of an alligator with fish tail and piranha head.
Colonel returns to base. Discover that Busey didn't killed the piranhagator and gets hungry. It calls a professional hunter, Lorenzo Lamas, to hunt it down.
Colonel: It is a monster, part alligator, part piranha. You must kill it. Take Gary Busey with you because he created it.
Busey: I will not let you undo what I did!
Colonel: Yes you will or you will pass the rest of your life being raped in some federal prison!
Lamas: Don't worry, I killed hundreds of the most dangerous animal. This freak fish will be my lunch by tomorrow.
Busey: You underestimate the piranhagator. It have the voracity of a piranha with the armor of an alligator!
Lamas: It will also make a good purse then.
The white hero and his friends wake up. Their car have the tires sliced. They get angry and go confront the douches.
White Hero: Come on guys, why you cut our tires! It is not fun!
Douche 1: Yes, it is. (laugh) But we didn't cut your tires Dorothy.
Douche 3: Hey, someone cut our tires too!
Douche 1 grab White Hero.
Douche 1: You will pay for it! Those tires costed hundreds of dollars!
White Hero! Why I would cut my tires AND your tireds, muscle brain?
Nice Girl (the neighbor): Yes, Douche 1, he is right. Also, Douche 2 and Hot Girl 1 didn't come back last night, lets find them!
Douche 1: They probably are fucking somewhere!
Nice Girl 1: Lets find them! I am worried that the same guy who cut the tires could have done something against them! Douche 1 and Hot Girl 2 stay here, in case they come back. White Hero and me will go to that hill and try to get some phone signal and call for help. Black Token, Asian Token, Douche 3 and Nice Girl 2 will go search for the others!
They part ways. Cut to Nice Girl 1 and white Hero. They are in the top of the hill, White Hero slips and Nice Girl 1 helps him.
White Hero: Thanks. Why a good girl like you are with such a band of douches...
Nice Girl 1: Well, I would hang out with someone nice like you, but you never asked me out... (she smiles and look at the phone) Damn, no signal even up here...
White Hero: Let's go back then.
Nice Girl 1: Wait.
She come closer to the White Hero, they are almost kissing when Nice Girl 1 see something and screen.
Cut to the Token character's group.
They found a big pond of blood.
Black Token: Man, this is not right!
Douche 3: Come on, is just the place where a fox killed a rabbit.
Asian Token: Rabbits don't have so much blood.
They run and found that Nice Girl 2 found Douche 3 hand.
Black Token: Oh my god! What the fuck!
Douche 3 pukes.
Asian Token: I think we should go back.
Nice Girl 2: Not before we find Hot Girl 1!
Weird sounds, they look around spooked. Than they see the piranhagator approaching.
Douche 3: What the fuck is this thing?
Black Token: It is the size of a car!
Nice Girl 2: Run!
They run. Piranhagator runs after. Asian Token falls down and get behind. Piranhagator jumps and cut his arm off when he try to get up. More screaming, lots of fake blood. Piranhagator chomp Asian Token legs off causing more fake blood. He keep screaming as piranhagator eats him.
Cut back to Douche's camp. Douche 1 and Hot Girl 2 are fucking.
Hot Girl 2: Ooohh Yeahhh!
Douche 1: yeah, babe! Let the idiots lost their time! Keep going, babe!
Fins are visible over the water, but they don't notice it. The fins goes in their direction and them they notice.
Douche 1: What the fuck is that?! (they get up and look at the fin)
Hot Girl 2: Maybe it is Douche 2 trying a joke. Let's hit him with something!
They get some sticks and go near water. They start hitting the water laughing, but them the sharksnake rises and bite Hot Girl 2 arm, but don't rip it off and let her go. Both screams and run. But middle the run, Hot Girl 2 start feeling sick because of the sharksnake's poison. She falls.
Hot Girl 2: Douche 1, I can't move! Help me!
Douche 1 stop, but he listen sharksnake coming close. He resume running. Sharksnake get closer to Hot Girl 2 and start swalloing her while she screams.
Black Token and his group runs into Hot Scientist and Old Scientist.
Hot Scientist: Whoa, kids. what happened?
Black Token: Some kind of monster ate our friends!
Old Scientist: How it looked like?
Douche 3: It was big as a car, some kind of fish.
Old Scientist: Like a shark?
Nice Girl 2: No, like a fish. But it had a body like some kind of crocodile.
Hot Sientist: It is not our missing specimen.
Lamas: But it is mine.
Lorenzo Lamas comes with Gary Busey, White Hero and Nice Girl 1. They explain what each monster are to each other.
Lamas: Look, I just want to kill the piranhagator. I will not kill your sharksnake unless it cross my path.
Hot Scientist: look, we come with tranquilizers, we can catch both of them alive!
Douche 1 come running.
Douche 1: Oh god! It ate Hot Girl 2!
Black Token: Piranhagator or sharksnake ate her?
Douche 1: What?
Lamas: We are in disadvantage here. Lets regroup and think of a better strategy.
Nice Girl 2: there is an old farm near here. I know the owner.
They get to the farm. The Old Farmer and his daughter Hot Farm Girl receive them, but don't believe in the monsters. At night, they go see what is disturbing the animals. Old Farmer is eaten by piranhagator. Hot Farmer Girl runs and close the house. Old Scientist says the house will not hold the monsters and is eaten when sharksnake broke through a window and bite him, lethally poisoning him. Hot Farmer Girl warns them of the old barn. They put fire to the house, hoping to kill sharksnake who got tangled in the small space. They are running to the barn when piranhagator start chasing them. Black Token decide to use an axe to kill the piranhagator.
Black Token: I will take your shit no more! Come on! You are not that badass!
Black Token swing the axe and hit the piranhagator's head. The axe break and the blade fly and hit Black Token head, killing him. Piranhagator start eating eat, giving time to the other to get inside the barn.
White Hero: We need a plan or we will get eaten by those things!
Hot Farmer Girl: There is a place we can trap them. An old hole made by guys who used it to mine silver. It is deep and have tall wall, impossible to scale off. Many animals fall to their death there.
Hot Scientist: If we trap the piranhagator there we can retrieve it later.
Lamas: Or blow it up. I have some grenades here we can use.
The piranhagator start chewing the door. Douche 1 runs and climb a ladder, but them he push it up, trapping the rest of the group down there.
White Hero: What are you thinking?
Douche 1: That thing will eat you guys and when he is full, I will be able to run away!
Busey: Fool! The piranhagator have fast metabolism, it will be hunger again in minutes!
Douche 1: I don't believe you!
Sharksnake sneaks around Douche 1 and chomp him in half, spiting his upper half after. It jumps down, but at the same time the piranhagator enters. The two start to hiss at each other, giving time to the group to run away.
The group, now only White Hero, Nice Girls 1 and 2, Hot Scientist, Lorenzo Lamas, Gary Busey and Hot Farmer Girl, try to reach the deep hole Hot Farmer Girl mentioned. In the way, they are attacked by both monsters. During a panic attack, Nice Girl 2 runs directly into a stump from a three, who kills her. They reach the hole.
Lamas: OK, I will attracted them to the hole and he blow them up.
Hot Scientist: No, we keep them alive so we can study them!
Busey: No, we let them free! (points gun toward group)
Nice Girl 1: Are you insane?
As they move around and talk, piranhagator jumps at Gary Busey. As the monster is eating Gary Busey, Nice Girl 1 shoulder bash piranhagator who falls in the hole. But the ground falls and she almost goes down, but White Hero catches her.
Nice Girl 1: Help!
White Hero: I'm trying! (sharksnake appears behind him)
Nice Girl 1: The sharksnake! Behind you! Let me go and save yourself!
White Hero: I will not let you die!
Lorenzo Lamas shoots the shark snake, who attacks him. Lamas attract the sharksnake to the hole and both fall down. Lamas is eaten by both the sharksnake and the piranhagator. After eating him, they start fighting each other. Hot Scientist helps White Hero to push Nice Girl 1 up. Hot Farmer Girl is holding Lorenzo Lamas' grenades.
Hot Farmer Girl: You ate my father and destroyed my farm. Go to hell in pieces!
She throws the grenades, big fake explosion. They look at the hole. At first is just water but them pieces of both monsters float. White Hero and Nice Girl 1 finally kiss, and the survivors go away.
Post Credits Scene:
The screen is divided in two. One show a bunch of dry leaves, while other the bottom of the lake. From the leaves, several small piranhagators emerge, while a fish is eaten by a small sharksnake in the lake. Screen goes black.