Monday, January 30, 2012

7 Simple Reasons Gamers will Die First in the Zombie Apocalypse

Ah, the Zombie Apocalypse. Many gamers dream of it, so all that skills they had acquired playing games can finally be useful. While all the athletes and douches will become brain tacos, the gamers will be exploding undead heads and getting all the girls/men/Justin Bieber (whatever strikes your fancy). Reality? Gamers will probably be the very first to be eaten. And here is why:

7. Exercise: When was the last time you had a good time doing some physical work? And I mean going to a walk, ride a bike or any other constant form of exercise. And, no playing Dance Central on the weekend does not count. See, most gamers will be severely under prepared do run for long periods of time or fight against the might hands of the walking corpses. Also, have you handled any kind of weapon before? A shotgun is not very lightweight, you know? Speaking of which...

6. Gamers don't know how to use guns: Do you know how to reload a shotgun? No, it is not pressing the R2 or Square button. It is neither that simple nor that fast. Using a gun is not something that intuitive or easy. You probably don't even know how to proper hold it and aim. So, even if you are luck enough to find a gun around, you will probably die before realizing how to unlock the safety. And don't even start with knives and swords. Those things actually require even more training and physical condition to use.

5. You still need food: So, what do you plan to eat during the Zombie Armageddon? Yes, you may find some markets with some food still there. That is, if the other survivors didn't looted it yet. And even if you find it, how much will endure? Most canned food will rot after two or three years. Do you know how to hunt, fish or harvest? No? Well, you better find someone who knows, because you will need food to keep itself alive. Oh, about those other survivors...

4. The Other Survivors will try to kill you: You are walking through the streets, with your trusted shotgun and all the canned food you can carry. Then you see some scantily clad hot survivor down the street. As you rush to find if you can become Adam and Eve, if you know what I mean, someone hits you in the back with a rock. You wake up and find that all your guns and food is taken from you. If you survive. Not only other survivors will do everything they can to survive, some of them will be way better prepared to fight than you. Believe me, that former Marine still can beat your ass, no matter how much Resident Evil you played.

3. You will lose time and bullets trying to headshot: The headshot is one of the hardest shots you can do. Of course, the best way to dispatch everything, alive or not, is shooting their brains out of the skulls. see the image above? That is the only way to do a headshot with 100% accuracy. The head is very small, and shooting a moving target with any gun is very hard. Your best bet would shoot their legs of and runaway, but years of games will make you trying to do the hardest shot possible. And when you run out of bullets, you still have several zombies trying to eat you. And less time to runaway.

2. You have no idea where to go: So, where do you go when the zombies start walking? Where is a safe place? How you can be protected and yet have access to food and other things? Weapons stores will be the first place to be either looted or having crazy and desperate people full of guns, as will be military bases, police stations and other places full of weapons. Maybe the country side? But there is fewer protective places there. An island sounds good, if you know how to sail. No sailing skills? You are fucked.

1. Your Overconfidence will kill you: 'But hey! I have played all zombie games and saw all zombie movies! I know exactly how to survive! Even take some shooting lessons!' and that, my dear gamer, is why you will die. Because you are so sure of yourself, that you are best prepared than anyone else to survive, is why you will make, sooner than later, a fatal mistake. You will underestimate the zombie numbers, the efficiency of your shotgun, your capacity to run and/or the willing of you fellow survivors to protect you. Because you know you are the best. Except, you aren't. But hey, Zombie Apocalypse!

1 comment:

  1. This would be a funny post if not for your poor grammar skills. Having said that, using proper grammar won't save anyone when the zombie apocalypse comes.


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